Vomitus and Vitriol

It spews. It is bitter. But it burns.

Photo by Zach Lezniewicz on Unsplash

I am angry. I am hurt. I am confused.

Why did you not protect me?

Why was I not worth protecting?

Why was your other deemed worthy?

Why did you insist on giving your love to ones who belonged to others?

Why blame me for the birth as if I planned me?

You feel entitled to loyalty. Yet you have drooled my deepest secrets to a council of fools.

The God in me demands vengeance while the child in me begs for leniency. Yet the adult knows you deserve neither.

You deserve the indifference you gave. But the indifference you disguised as stoicism only served to heighten my empathy to deepen my intensity made me feel more deeply wound more easily bleed more profusely

Hyper vigilance

To have a fight or flight response with a broken switch

It is always on Always ready But There was never an option for flight

Only for fight

And now I stay stuck Hyper ventilating

And yet somehow you have made yourself the victim as you have weakened physically with age yet choose to let your guilt fuel resentment rather than accountability.

Your mind is still sharp, more keen than ever

however-

How dare you feel abandoned!! How dare you play the part!

Victim?!

When your ghost in my mind victimizes me day after day!

Your savior was is an abuser too. How wonderful you have them.

I still have the scars.

I cannot pour into you when you put the first hole in my cup

I will not pour into you when you only chose to give me the condensation on your cup when it was convenient.

I will allow myself to really feel this anger for the first time

Allow the Life Water in my cup

To boil over.

Trust that you do not want the current Me to pour into you

Lest you be scalded.