The Body That Betrays Me

And saves me. (Once I started listening, anyway.)

Photo by Rosa Rafael on Unsplash

(This post will be a little all over the place, because chronic pain, chronic illness, and life’s stressors are complex and all over the place. Anyone that says otherwise is a liar. A dirty stinkin’ LIAR-!)

Twenty six. I was twenty six when i got the wind knocked out of me. Literally and figuratively.

Twenty-six is the age I was when I got into a car wreck that threw me against the driver side door. Apparently, this was the traumatic physical event that “activated” my fibromyalgia.

It is true that after that day, I never had full feeling in my left side (the side that hit the door the hardest, me noggin hit the glass, but no shattering, praise God). It is true that after that, I had to intermittently use a cane. It’s also true that within two years, I could no longer work. By 2013 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Painful Ovulation and Menses that had me curled up on the bathroom floor. Then a degenerative type of arthritis which has taken hold of my lower back, hips, and sacrum. Then Brittle or Labile Diabetes, which means a fluctuation of high and low sugar. I have struggled. Until this January. You have to believe me when I tell you the last 6ish months have been the best in my life, because I have let go.

I took a job with a Pharmacy Benefits Manager in 2021. I interacted with veterans, young and old, and let them know if and when they would get their meds. It was so stressful that picking the cuticle of my left thumb eventually caused the nail to come off. Do you understand what I am saying to you? The stress from talking to and getting disrespected by these people for almost 2 years stressed me to the point that I literally peeled my own thumbnail off. I actively self harmed while on a call in order to get through it. Not to mention the guilt of having to tell people that “gave 40 years of my life to this country” that this country was denying their request for life sustaining medicine. That they would have to jump through hoops to get it. That they can only file so many claims a year. Yeah. I was heading for a breakdown. A complete crash and burnout.

I literally could not keep going on. I even cut my hours and it was still killing me. I am not cut out for the rat race. Looking back, I see it so clearly. I started working when I was 15 years old. I had never NOT had a job (or two). Although have been sick for fourteen years, I kept trying to “press on” in this system (that only cares about sucking all the life out of you and then abandoning you once you are 65, with pennies if you aren’t smart about saving, and even if you are, 🤷🏾‍♀️) and it really did almost almost kill me. Literally. I stayed in a flare for the last 6 months I worked, and one month after that. My cortisol levels were ridiculously high. I did not know how I could keep going. Then there was an ice storm 2 days after Thanksgiving, and we could not leave the house or use the internet for 7 days. My husband said that he could not remember the last time I looked so “serene.” I could not remember the last time I felt so relaxed. Those seven days taught me 2 things: I am physically no longer cut out for the traditional 9 to 5, and I was not coming back to that job after December 31st.

Things were uncertain. This body was/is still “betraying” me. I am sure the stress of my job made it all worse. Stress in itself is a disease. Stress in itself is a disease. Stress in itself is a disease. So I have taken steps to reduce the beast that can never be eliminated.

I quit the job. They made offers. Good ones. They do not care about me or my worth. It is my responsibility to do that, even if this system tells me to “take one for the team”. But if I died tomorrow, from the stress of the job, they would have someone else coming up to bat within the hour. Yeah, there’s no “I” in team. But there is an “m” and an “e”, and that’s who I’m putting first from now on.

Now I volunteer regularly in my community. My Garden is amazing. My house is clean. My nieces and nephews know I love them and that Auntie is always available. My husband has had to become the sole breadwinner. He deals with his own mental health issues, but since I’ve stopped working, we spend more quality time together. He helps me physically and he says I help him mentally. I scheduled his therapy appointments and suggested he change up his meds. Because I noticed that he needed more help, because I am fully here. He is doing so much better, and we manage the storms together. My house is clean enough. My front porch, back porch, and dining room is a place where friends gather. It is wonderful. Even the cat is in a better mood. My office is now an office/art studio. I paint and sketch and write here. Everyday. I make art to gift to friends. I write these posts to connect to others like myself, and to keep my head from exploding hehe. I am a nurturer. But I have learned that in order to thrive, I have to nurture myself.

I am still quite ill. But I can not-no, I do not fight this body any longer. When she says we do not have the energy to go to brunch, we don’t. When she says we are only making it to the couch today, guess where we end up? When she says we only have the energy to take a bird bath instead of a shower, hey, only t*ts, pits and bits get washed 😂. We still try to move for at least 20-30 minutes each day, even if it’s in the bed or on the couch, because movement is good for the body, even a painful one. Stretching helps. Meditation helps. Crying helps. Honest conversations with my husband and friends helps. Helping them with their problems and being an active listener helps me to stop lingering on this body and the pain. That darned cat helps. He gives me Fuzz therapy. You, dear reader, you help.

Things aren’t always a bed of roses. Budgeting is hard, cuz I like stuff. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. And it’s not going to get better. But I am finally managing it. This body makes sure that I live in the moment, because who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow? Who knows how I’ll feel by then end of the night. No, we navigate only the present right now. We have no choice but to slow down and take each moment as it comes. I work with this body, because, flaws and all, she’s the only one I’ll have. She is mine. She is me. Sometimes, I still feel like she betrays me. But, ultimately, she saved me too.