My December was for Self

Listen, please, with the ears on your heart and mind. It was a long month. Thus this is a long ramble.

“December Was For Self”- by Ashe C.

I don’t do New Years Resolutions. But I took a lil hiatus, and I did promise to take care of myself. I have not done so in a very long time. If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I ever have. I was not raised in a household that valued me as a human, and so I never learned to do so.

In my 41 years of life, with about 37 remembered, I have always been concerned with the people around me, sometimes (most times) to my detriment. This is ok. This is not a complaint piece. But one of Revelations.

I decided to do intensive therapy, where I have sessions more frequently than normal and really get into the nitty gritty. It was intense. It was painful. And the work will continue. It will have to.

I’m looking at a diagnosis of C-PTSD, alongside the fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, and 3 other chronic illnesses. I am fighting it all, but I suppose that would be my reaction, wouldn’t it? I have also found that some people are/have been very threatened by my journey. Perhaps that means I’m on the right track.

Let’s explore a few things I’ve noticed, learned, or let go.

You can meet people halfway, or you can meet them where they are. Or not. You don’t have to do anything.

No, seriously. I decided that I would not meet some people in any way. Not even halfway. There are some people that have caused me quite a lot of pain, and they will not acknowledge it. Now mind you, they will remind me that I want(ed) acknowledgement. I have not asked for acknowledgement in almost 2 decades. But saying, “I know you think I hurt you…..” as opposed to just saying, “I know I hurt you”, speaks volumes. And enough time has passed, enough has been said. I am no longer meeting you where you are, I am leaving you there. And the world will continue to turn.

Healing will never be over. It is not a sprint, nor marathon, but a lifelong journey of enriching my life.

That is my personal mission. It’s what I need it to be.

I will need to remind myself that Healing does not equal Perfection.

It is embracing my imperfections. Improve upon the ones that can be, and accept the others. Realize that some “imperfections” are not really imperfections at all. Not for me. But perhaps others told me they were. And perhaps those others were liars. And, painfully of all, perhaps I have lied to myself.

I can have it all yes. But I don’t want it. I have no desire to have it all , I don’t even know what “it” is. I enjoy having enough, and being content. More more more mentality is draining to me. And that goes for the healing, too. Because, as I touched on previously,

A real, flesh and blood, living breathing person that has walked a few years on this earth- will never be fully healed.

The very nature of this world, this system of things, will not allow it. You will continue to be hurt and you will continue to face injustices and you will get angry and you will make others angry. But now you give yourself grace and have the tools…to deal. You will live. There’s only one other option, and if you don’t choose that, well, the only other alternative is to live. But let’s include thriving in that. Live and thrive. As best you can. Your best is enough. It will have to be. That being said,

Community helps. It really does.

I have found that my ragtag bunch of misfits, my found family, my chosen family, is my community. No, it’s not the type of folx that you’ll find splattered on People or Time magazine, we won’t be making the ‘60 under 60’ anytime soon, (cmon you know you chuckled at that). But we love one another, these solid relationships have been nurtured for over fifteen to twenty years. My people are good people. Good Flawed people. And we are multifaceted beings. We ripple ( my favorite word when it comes to saving the world) into other groups. I have good friends that are not friends with my other good friends, but they have good friends that are good people and we spread the love around.

Now when it comes to saving the world at large, we do what we can when we can and it has to be enough.

My little community is enough for me, with my almost crippling anxiety. However,

I have learned to be okay with not changing (saving) the world.

I am uneasy with the world in general but I help where I can and that will have to do. My back is not big enough to carry this earth, and there is no way I can keep up with and contribute to every cause. I will have to ignore the “Well what about—?” and “Why didn’t you mention—” or the “How come you never talk about—”

I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to deal with the issues most relevant to me and branch out from there.

Social media has fooled some of us into believing that we must be all things to all people and that just stretches us toooooo thin.

I cant. I am starting here. I will be some things to the people in front of me and they will do so for the next one and hopefully it will pay it forward.

That’s all I got. I’m exhausted. So

I give myself permission to rest. Without guilt.

I’m not saying the bad guys (insert your societal nemesis here) have won, I’m just saying I’m jumping off the hamster wheel. I’m not (mentally or, now, physically) built for the way things are set up now. I cannot give you 8 hours a day, I do not have a spare 40 hours a week. I don’t replenish energy like a normal person (see Spoon theory) and so I must rely on other things.

My current circumstances would throw me into a maddening depression if I tried to live conventionally. I tried too, and made myself sick. I tried a second time and it almost killed me.

So now, I do what I must. I wake up, I read. I write, I paint, I sketch. I call a friend. I volunteer as much as my health allows. I clean my home, which is curated to be comfy and bright. No dark colors and very few hard lines and surfaces. This home is made to be rested in.

I have a wonderful supportive husband who has spent the last 20 years growing alongside me. He has his own struggles but is fighting the good fight. I help him rest without guilt too.

I see things for what they are, and I will live my life accordingly.

And I will not feel guilty. And it will all be enough. It has to be.